family members at large.
I have received several e-mails from such couples making the topic worthwhile revisiting.
It’s an inescapable truth that most couples still tie the knot without bothering to go for an HIV test.
The mere strength of the trust binds the two and they start a family only to know their status when the wife is pregnant.
Not that I am advocating that HIV positive people have no marriage rights. No. To make life easier and avoid future hassles why not count from zero, one, two, three and then the rest becomes manageable.
Now for some couples they count from 10 descending as they tie the knot, plan on a family and get pregnant, what a joy.
The wife visits the antenatal clinic where an HIV test is now recommended although not compulsory.
The benefits of the prevention from mother to child transmission of HIV are fully explained and laid out for one to see the benefits of taking the test. It is usually after the pregnancy that one finds out that they are HIV positive during routine antenatal clinical HIV testing and all hell breaks loose.
Breaking the news that one has tested HIV positive has been hard for most people. There are even some who have not disclosed to their partners and such a disturbing scenario does not augur well for a home environment.
One man, Julius, writing from Budiriro said he was told by the wife that the baby needed vitamin supplements and these were what she was taking when she was pregnant. The man says the tablets were packed in the normal resealable plastic sachets used at most hospitals. The man speaks of the heartache and pain that he is going through after finding out that his spouse has been on ARVs and worse still even before they got married.
“My wife said she feared that I would leave her so she decided to lie that she was taking vitamin supplements. I have never seen vitamin supplements so I did not suspect any wrongdoing,” he said.
The man was surprised when the baby was born and why the infant was taking cotrimoxazole yet the baby was not ill.
“The baby was not ill but from day one at home she gave him an antibiotic. I thought she would stop after a week but she continued and after this I asked a friend whose wife is a nurse why babies would continuously take cotrimoxazole,” said Julius.
“My friend said his wife had told him that either the baby had an infection or was on a prophylaxis regimen meant for all HIV exposed babies. He explained that babies born by HIV positive mothers took that antibiotic for the first six weeks before they took an HIV test,” said Julius.
Julius went home and confronted his wife who broke down and confessed that she was on ARVs long before they tied the knot.
Julius took the matter to his in-laws who told him that their daughter had told them that he knew about her HIV status and was comfortable with it.
“My in-laws said their daughter had said I was in the know of her HIV status so it was mutual that we were getting married. This was not true. I was hurt, a part of me died,” he said.
Julius wrote saying he still loves his wife but after the deceit he no longer knows what she is capable of doing.
“I have gone for an HIV test and thank God I tested negative. But they said I should come back again after sometime. They mentioned something called the window period. Since then I am now even scared to go to bed with my wife even with protection,” he said.
His fears sound real and the two need counselling together as a couple. Julius said he has forgiven his wife as his concern is the raising of the baby together.
It seems children are the main consideration in marriages when things get turbulent.
Another Harare man, a lecturer with a South African university, is in a similar situation.
The man who I will refer to as the lecturer said the couple has three minor children. They divorced in 2005 after some differences. The two made up for the sake of the children and they got back two years later.
What each person was up to during the separation is anyone’s guess.
The man too e-mailed and said after their reunion, they took an HIV test which was discordant.
The wife tested HIV positive and went ballistic.
“She went mad and even suggested that I could be a carrier and hence the virus remained dormant in me. I could understand her anger and we both went for further counselling sessions,” the lecturer said.
“This appeared to work for the first year and we used protection. My wife has grown cold after my second test which indicated I was HIV negative. It is like she wanted me to be positive as well; she has grown distant,” he said.
The wife has moved out of the matrimonial bedroom and the man said she has since stopped doing her duties.
“When we reconciled, it was for the children but my sister it’s not working. Even our children growing up under such a hostile environment is not healthy,” he said.
The man is in a dilemma and takes each day as it comes hoping the wife will throw in the towel.
Another brother sent an e-mail from New Zealand. He is in a quagmire.
The wife who works as a nurse first got a job and had the husband later joining her after a year when his papers were in order.
The man said he surely had a sexual relationship back home with another woman but had insisted on condom use.
The man poured his heart out in a mail that he asked to be used but with confidentiality retained.
“I am in a foreign land (New Zealand) far from home and in a very difficult situation. My wife came here first with our three children. I remained in Zim for a year. I joined the rest of my family early this year. When I arrived, I insisted we both go for an HIV test.
“My wife tested HIV positive and I tested negative. We have gone for two more tests in 90-day intervals and the result has been the same.
“We are living under one roof but I have left the matrimonial bedroom. Now, you can imagine the dilemma.
“How do I explain this to our children (13, 10 and seven)?”
The husband said what was painful was that when the wife got the posting abroad, they both took HIV tests so he insisted that she must have used protection if she felt that she was no longer able to contain her sexual desires.
The husband said he is still there just for the sake of children but you can clearly see the marriage has irretrievably broken down.
HIV knows no boundary and the early couples in long distance relationships and even those living together but engaging in extra-marital affairs used protection so as to avoid such scenarios used their heads to think – the less would we find such homes in disarray.
The fact that in all three cases the couples said they are still together for the sake of the children makes disturbing reading. Julius said he still loved his wife and had found it in his heart to forgive.
Hope with counselling the wife will be a good mother and wife and regain her husband’s trust.
In the two cases of those living in the Diaspora, kids seem to be the binding factor.
But children are not foolish and the damage that such a union exposes the children to would be grave.
A marriage counsellor with one church said that marriage was sacred and no one would be allowed to put it asunder.
“We urge couples to get counselling when they encounter challenges and such occurrences must not put what the Lord has joined asunder,” he said.
Sure from his point of view it holds water, not that I am an advocate of wrecking homes, but what is a home?
There are several cases of spouses with partners who have been away for even a decade now.
A sad case is of a Marlborough mother of four whose husband has been out of the country for donkey years. She died recently after undergoing a backstreet abortion. How could she handle the shame, she thus sought a backstreet abortion and it ended her life.
When someone goes overseas to study or in search of greener pastures, it ought to have a time frame. Not the present “homes” where spouses skype and satisfy their physical needs the dangerous way without even using protection after one party is gone “forever”.
May anyone testing HIV positive and has a partner disclose to that person the outcome of their test.
May they take off a burden in the failure to disclose as they live a double life.
In all discordant couples, may they get counselling as a couple and as individuals and work the way forward.
A true reflection of love is that of the Harare couple in Glen View, who last year still went on to tie the knot with the man being HIV negative and the woman positive.
Lawrence Tandi tied the knot with Masiiwa Matangira despite their discordant HIV status. Why, because she had disclosed her status and he still found love in his heart to go ahead and marry her.
TIn all you endeavour to get, get correct understanding of HIV.
Till then, God bless you abundantly.

l [email protected]

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