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My Turn with Tichaona Zindoga
You may be wondering what kind of dance this is. Well — and this is a bit of education for many of us — the whirligig beetle is the now infamous hard-to-catch, whirling water beetle called nyungururwi.

It is the same nyungururwi, the whirligig beetle, which we are told has been one of the main ingredients of witchcraft former Vice President Joice Mujuru allegedly dabbled in, in a plot to topple President Mugabe.

And whirligigs come in many colours, shapes and sizes.

Which makes it possible to have two whirligigs distinguishable in a mortal combat.

Those that come from the rural areas, if they happen to be women who at some point in their lives thought the forming of hard, little breasts had taken a wee too long and the bite would induce such growth, may attest to the sharp bites of these little beetles.

So myths around whirligigs abound.

While some of these myths, like the magical powers to grow breasts, are innocent enough, the stuff that President Mugabe has been telling us makes one cringe.

Or laugh at the utter foolishness of Mujuru’s efforts.

But then, in these parts you don’t laugh off witchcraft all that easily.

It is a lesson that some student at college, who scoffed at the idea of witchcraft and how people could be used to work in other people’s fields, learnt very well when, one day, he woke up with mud right up to his knees!

He had been working in the paddy, rice fields, when his foolish educated head thought he was sleeping in some dormitory.

This is Africa.

This is our own patented science — whatever the reasons we cannot deploy it to the best means.

Like injecting cash into the economy.

Now, President Mugabe, during his birthday commemorations over the weekend dished out more on the shenanigans of his former deputy Joice Mujuru.

We thought we had heard the worst of her nocturnal activities including making tea for some American Ambassador, but the latest revelations paint a picture of the archetypal African woman who “wakes up”.

Hence, the moniker “Zimuroyi reDotito”.

And added to that the corruption allegations levelled against her, this has given rise to new nomenclature in town.

Anyone who is corrupt and solicits for a kickback or “share” is now called a Zimuroyi.

So, a corrupt guy from Mbare would be “Zimuroyi reMbare”; or for someone coming from Chitungwiza, “Zimuroyi reChitungwiza”; and so on.

This is how Zimbabweans learn so fast and laugh away their troubles.

The new revelations that the former Number Two outsourced Nigerian expertise in witchcraft are shocking, but not surprising.

We all have been watching Nigerian movies and, boy, the stuff they purport witches and wizards and sorcerers do!

There are also extraordinary prophets, too, whose services some Zimbabweans, plebeian and otherwise, have sought.

President Mugabe told of the shocking and macabre rituals: the beheading of chickens and sheep.

The earmarking of people for death.

If that had come to pass, President Mugabe would be a goner; so would be his wife, Amai Mugabe, and Emmerson Mnangagwa and Ignatius Chombo, and so on.

The road would be clear for Dr Mujuru to take over.

To have the country of Zimbabwe under her mighty spell.

That all sounds surreal.

Best of all, the alleged nocturnal activities have not yielded fruit.

Nay, they have yielded bitter fruit for the restless hand.

It is said that witchcraft is dangerous business because if you do not do things properly, the whole thing may backfire spectacularly.

Or is a caveat, a proviso, a way out by the unscrupulous sangomas and fake prophets, to mask their own trickery?

Look, we have the Nigerians in this saga. We hope that the former VP does indeed not have such a simple mind as to be affected by what we see in “African movies”.

Women like them, believe them, generally, don’t they?

But that is as far as the foolish drama goes.

Back to the real, realistic, issues.

We notice that the disgraced former VP is fancying herself as some kind of martyr and even believes hers is a kind of golden silence.

She broke the same on Monday issuing a statement to the private media.

Before venturing into the contents of the statement — and there is precious little of content — it will be useful to ask what has happened to allegations of corruption that have been levelled against her, a dossier for which is understood to have been in preparation? Her infamous whirligig dance must come to an end.

The members of her cabal, including Didymus Mutasa and Temba Mliswa, have been fingered in criminal activities against persons and the State.

Some of these allegations are not very hard to prove and a lot of aggrieved persons are waiting by the gate, having been cowed by the assumed and certainly borrowed powers of the members of the cabal.

We have perfect candidates for jail and the prisons would do well to have alumni like Mutasa and Temba and Mai Mujuru.

That is, on top of other notable contemporaries like Robert Martin Gumbura.

She cannot feign honour, which she has been doing in her statements to her private media mouthpieces.

She has close to none.

She tells us that she “fought for the liberation of this country and hold the ideals of the liberation struggle and Zanu-PF close to my heart.”

Somebody educate us, was it part of the liberation ethos to demand bribes, bringing in foreigners to loot minerals and working with the foreign funded quislings such as those she got into bed with in the MDC?

Is undermining the national economy by bringing into the country banned products part of the liberation ethos.

Is using undue political influence and not paying up debts part of the instructions of Chairman Mao?

Is that “national building” she touts herself to do?

And she should be reminded that Bhora Musango and working with the opposition are the ones doing “unnecessary the destruction” of the revolutionary party, Zanu-PF.

All this makes her current dance with freedom, all too long drawn-out and need for halt.