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London. — So Jose Mourinho is coming to Manchester. Well, this is how his first season at the world’s biggest football club could unravel.

May 2016

Mourinho is unveiled as the new Manchester United manager, and in his press conference he is keen to lay down a marker. No longer “the special one” or even “the happy one”, and certainly not “the chosen one”, Mourinho declares he is “the peaceful one” and will not be picking fights for no reason like he has done in every other one of his managerial roles. He adds that he will build the team around young players like Marcus Rashford and Jesse Lingard.

June 2016

Devoid of any Euro 2016 rights, Sky Sports News devotes its coverage to round the clock reports titled ‘Welcome Back Jose’. Former pro Paul Walsh captures the anodyne mood when he says ‘having Mourinho back is a breath of fresh air’.

July 2016

United take on Manchester City in a pre-season friendly in China, and Mourinho quickly reneges on his promise of peace to all men. The United manager is incensed by losing to arch-rival Pep Guardiola’s City and attempts to poke his new coach Mikel Arteta in the eye. Unfortunately Mourinho gets it wrong and his finger gets stuck in Arteta’s unrufflable hair instead.

August 2016

Mourinho is reprimanded by the FA after being spotted in a Liverpool Wetherspoon’s courting John Stones. The transfer window ends with Mourinho having spent £200m on players — all bar one clients of his agent Jorge Mendes — but he is still not fully satisfied. He suggests that despite all the money spent he could have done with more, and that United are a ‘baby pony’ compared to Guardiola’s suspiciously healthy looking thoroughbreds.

September 2016

To stop the media focusing on a defeat at Bournemouth, Mourinho employs one of his devilishly fiendish distraction techniques. He goes on a bizarre 10-minute rant blaming the club’s kit-man for the defeat, slamming him for mixing up his club sweatshirt with Rui Faria’s. The move backfires though when it transpires the kit-man is a much-loved club veteran of 30 years, and Mourinho is forced to apologise.

October 2016

The much anticipated meeting between Mourinho and Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal takes place, and things quickly boil over. The large Old Trafford technical areas prove to be the perfect platform for more fisticuffs, until both men are sent to the stands. Once there Wenger takes up the position he famously did a few years ago and, joined by Mourinho, the pair square up to each other again.

November 2016

United score a late winner at the Etihad to defeat City, prompting Mourinho to run up to Guardiola and perform a ‘shushing’ gesture. Mourinho is fined, despite claiming the shushing was not aimed at Pep but instead at “all the doubters who are trying to bring down my team”.

December 2016

Ahead of a match with Leicester, Mourinho suggests Ranieri was lucky to win the title because he did it with a team that had low expectations. Everyone starts to long for the six-month period when Mourinho was out of work.

January 2017

After sharing an ill-advised snapchat during a Mourinho team-talk, Jesse Lingard is banished to the reserves. Lingard stands by shouting ‘squaaaad’ into his phone while Mourinho was explaining the merits of a 4-6-0 formation, and as a result he is sold to Tottenham. United replace Lingard by signing James Rodriguez for £60m.

February 2017

West Brom eke out a draw at Old Trafford, which proves to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for Mourinho. He claims United should have been awarded three penalties, and is sure he saw Mike Dean wearing a Baggies shirt before the match. Not much else can be discerned from Mourinho’s post-match rant, except for the words ‘conspiracy’, ‘referee’ and ‘Luis Garcia’.

March 2017

Mourinho requests another slot on ‘Goals on Sunday’ to explain why he has been getting so upset. Unfortunately the programme is fully booked, but as a compromise Jose is given a slot on another Sky show ‘Fantasy Football Club’ with Paul Merson and Max Rushden. Jose goes down well, even if he confuses Merse and Max a little by going beyond the usual description of a player as “oh boy he could play, liked a beer as well mind”.

April 2017

Tripping over fourth official Mark Clattenburg does not go down well with the FA, and Mourinho is given a stadium ban for his troubles. He appears to be respecting the ban until an eagle-eyed supporter spots him in the crowd wearing a Sir Alex Ferguson mask by way of disguise.

May 2017

On his first return to Stamford Bridge, Mourinho’s United are pipped to the title by his old club Chelsea. “For me winning the title with such a big club is not a great achievement”, Mourinho says after the match. “I just hope one day Antonio Conte wins a Premier League title that he actually deserves.” As a consolation prize, Mourinho confirms he has completed the signing of John Terry. — Daily Telegraph.