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Just after midnight, Bambo heard some serious commotion in the next room. First, were heavy thuds of blows being exchanged, coupled with muffled low voices coming out in gasps. As some heavy blows continued they were now increasingly being interjected by light ones or nothing.Meanwhile, a light squeak gradually grew and graduated into a loud voice until it tore the air asking for help. “Help! Help! Help! This evil man is killing me in order to drink my blood.

“Yes, Yes, I have always known it since way back. You must be in love with some other woman . . .”, continued the cry.
Suddenly the discussion of the two women on the lawn came fresh to mind and he therefore had a good reason to continue enjoying his sleep without interfering.

His wife did not understand and was getting very emotional about why he could not wake up to help a defenceless woman. Bambo sounded very furious and he decided to delay helping her out, as his wife sensed something odd and became quiet.

By the time Bambo intervened the neighbour’s wife had been beated, enough to keep her in doors with a swollen face for the following week.
Bambo reminded his wife about the discussion that she had with the same woman the previous week regarding how the latter could easily beat up her husband. On this particular day, Bambo had come back from night shift and enjoying his nap.

Outside the door by the lawn Bambo’s young wife was being lectured by this woman on how she dealt with an errant husband. She emphasised that her husband did not only respect her, but also feared her because she could beat him up if he went out of line. Bambo was suddenly awake and he heard her outpouring incidence when she taught him lessons.

Bambo did not ask his wife about this incident because he hoped that she was going to tell him about it, anyway. She didn’t. Bambo was strong enough to restrain himself from confronting his wife about this and life went on as usual. Bambo felt that this woman was trying to prove a point by starting a fight with her husband.

She engages her husband in such physical test-drives by creating a situation where the spouse just had to account for his manhood. If he had failed the test then she might even justify new fancies for stronger partners, as in the wild.

One morning the wife of Bambo’s cousin came home with a blue eye after being beaten up by her husband the previous night. Her husband was drunk and complaining about how she did not obey him. It was the same old story of violence recycled many times over.

Bambo went across to their home and he told his cousin not to blame alcohol. Bambo believed that alcohol gave out what one put into it. In fact, he argued that a loving drunk husband might turn out to be the best lover, just as good and nice if not better.

Causes of domestic violence are varied. In Southern Africa the biggest violence against women is the structural shortage of men in sheer numbers, never mind the quality. More females are born and mature faster than males; hence there are serious disproportionate numbers of more women than men, limiting the former to enter into compromising marriages of convenience with little or no love at all.

There is vicious competition among women for this resource, man of substance, leading to acute concentration on their looks, dress and even gaiety. Perhaps this is the biggest source of domestic violence because violence is embedded in the weak relationships which follow between spouses from the beginning.

Love is sometimes then replaced by competition for power, resources and recognition. Once competition sets in, there will be communication breakdown. This scenario may become vicious in a situation where the partner wishes to double the independence of a career single person with the privileges of marriage that it may turn ugly and violent.

Marriage glamour eludes the couple. The joys of marriage gradually decrease as each partner starts weighing the cost for initiating divorce. As usual when love is ending, there is always one who is stronger to handle it. Unfortunately, such incidents are increasing; hence the institution of marriage is coming under serious scrutiny for its relevance, especially by the professional elite.

The debate can continue on what hurts more between physical and psychological violence. Physical violence has external evidence unlike the extent of psychological violence which is difficult if not impossible to prove. There are at least two parties with an issue to engage in any violence and domestic violence is not an exception.

The issues may create mental violence in which case physical violence is only a symptom which should not be considered in isolation because the former may be more damaging. There are always consequences for pruning a real man’s or a real woman’s ego, especially in public. The reaction is often violent. Perhaps this is why there seems to be less violence in gays and lesbian couples because there is always another part which is man in that gay “woman” and woman in that lesbian “man” to fall back on.

In most African cultures families marry and each party represents the image of where he/she comes from. He/she is trained to perform certain functions/roles in order to be loved; hence arranged marriages and polygamy tend to thrive well.

Accordingly disputes in African marriages are dealt with by the family and only approach courts as the last resort.
In the Western culture couples marry as individuals for this size-less love with a life bonding of the Matrimonial Causes Act or similar one. This law is violent inasfar as it exposes the other party, who may have been more committed to the marriage in the first place, to a plethora of legal requirements that may put him/her into a disadvantage in the event of divorce.

In spite of the increase, the number and quality of marriage counselling, the severity and number of violent marriages are on the rise.
Domestic violence is one of the few subjects where so many of the experts have failed or never gone through practical marriage long enough to teach others. It appears we are all qualified to talk about gender violence, but domestic violence is a specific form of violence restricted to couples and should be discussed by those qualified by having been married long enough to appreciate how it shows itself up.

Any training of substance has a specific training programme of theory and an essential part on practical application. Failure in either of these would render the student a failure. What time period do we give ourselves to have acquired knowledge of both the theory and practice to competently talk about marriage?

Students study and pass set books on theory and practice for seven years in order to come up with a medical degree.
Strange enough after qualifying, he/she takes equally long period of more theory and practice before he/she can be allowed to teach others. Is the subject of marriage not more challenging than that of a medical degree? Marriage has no set theory, especially in courtship and practical which ensures success on passing it.

What couples get from literature on marriage or pastors has not been reliable. What we read in papers and very many articles seems to come from people least qualified to talk about it.

It is, however, comforting to note that most cultures condemn domestic violence. Life between sexes is inextricably intertwined and challenging so much so that we continue with the pain of adjusting towards the hoped for desirable results because marriage is still a reliable and popular institution.