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A fruit a day will make your dreams come true

Bra Gee
Who am I? Please clap hands for me as I single-handedly kept our patriotism alive. I am one of those high ranking civil servants who did not bother to read Bra Gee’s open letter last weekend. You will most probably know my name in connection with matters personal rather than professional even though I am a full Cabinet minister and have served at His Excellency’s pleasure for a while now.

Anyway, I am proud to say that I kept one Aliko Dangote cooling his heels in my boardroom for 15 minutes while I concentrated on the important aspects of running my ministry which is my core business.

I understand that everyone else including my bosses cleared their decks and made Mr Dangote a priority on their day’s schedule. I am also told that my colleagues also made sure that they were not found wanting.

But not me. I had him shown into my ministry’s boardroom and let him count the minutes until I turned up. We need to set the right tone right from the beginning. This here is our country and anyone who wants to do business with us must know their place. As we say in Shona a prince becomes a slave the moment he steps out of demesne.

Back to school blues

We have absolutely no sympathy for those running around from one loan shark to another trying to secure funds for little Tatenda to go finish off the school year. If you had added up all that money you spent at the show and at those miracle nights you would not be in this situation. Let us not even talk about the cartons of fast food that you seem to think are a status symbol and not a health hazard.

And of course we have no sympathy either for the regulars who bought us drinks and kept the braai stand sizzling. Although we are grateful for the drink, it is not our fault that you decided to drink first and think later. And we are tired of giving this little sermon at the end of every school holiday. But thank goodness, we know that no one ever listens and we are already getting ready for a very merry festive season at the expense of such regulars.

The pearly gates now on earth

This week we will not talk about the brisk business that was reportedly enjoyed by one of the country’s foremost entrepreneurs last week as oranges retailing at three dollars each were rapidly sold out like the legendary hot cakes.

Like we always say, fools and their money are not meant to stay in close proximity and we only wish we too could develop the requisite charisma to go into gospreneurship.

Which brings us to the day’s topic, which is what we saw and heard at the funeral of the snotty relative of one regular this past week.

At the usual place we have never made it a secret that we will always prefer a good funeral to a wedding any day of the week, especially if the bereaved are in a position to throw a fine wake where meat and drink supplies are unlimited.

Our objections at the weddings are too many, but we will share a few. First of all we object to the fact that most of those who call upon us to witness their exchange of vows will be lying to us, God and the marriage officer. Then of course we resent the sermonising coming from people who will most probably be also lying as they extol the virtues of monogamy which they do not practise themselves.

As if the above points are not bad enough, most of all, we have to endure the hypocrisy on very dry throats as decent drinks only come later, then only if there are some regulars involved in the planning. We are beginning to wonder if some of these young people are finding religion just as a way to cut their budget by having a legitimate excuse not to buy booze. Because that is the only area in which their religious teaching holds pole position. When it comes to other points like fornication and the honouring of parents, they seem to create new creeds.

But funerals we have always liked, especially the wakes. There even the most stringent prayer warriors cannot keep the joy from flowing for if they refuse to do the honours we will bring our own drinks. And afterwards, we are quite content to sit through the service while the clueless preachers imagine that this is the time to convert us instead of praying for the departed.

So being regular patrons, we have noted a rather surprising trend at most funerals these days. The preacher be they pastor, reverend, bishop or prophet will confidently declare, “The family must not cry. So and so has gone straight to heaven and is now smiling in God’s arms. Amai fought a good fight and is now enjoying her reward.” This is usually said about women, mostly elderly ones who will have lived a life of faithful tithing.

Huh! The pearly gates are now in Zimbabwe and the various preachers have been ordained the St Peters in situ? Last time we checked the good book it said something about judgement being for the most high court or something. But then again, our contact with the said good book is rather limited and we cannot argue with people who have made profitable careers out of deciphering it. So let the bereaved families continue to give a generous gratuity to the preacher who will have comforted them by declaring that their dearly beloved mother is now safely in heaven.

Nothing is for free on this good earth, we tell you.

Love Triangles and smuggling

Bra Gee has learnt of an interesting love triangle relating to two prominent people and the concubine of one of them. Apparently the concubine of one rich man who is no stranger to controversy and legal battles cases pertaining to the succour of his offspring decided that she was tired of being one on a string of many. So she found herself a partner who is not very young either and is reputed to have been a high ranking member or the infamous cabal during its heydays.

Meanwhile the concubine’s first mate has been sprinkling his seed among the young women of Zimbabwe. So everything was cool, but they could not all live happily ever after. The concubine was financing her lover until she realised that she was being taken for a ride. Now she wants her money back and the lover seems to be insolvent.

He is one of the prominent names who made our week a couple of months back when an auctioneer flogged off what appeared to be his household chattels over payments long overdue to some snooty education establishment .

But that is not all. The lover seems to be haunted by two vehicles which he rescued in the nick of time from yet another auctioneer’s hammer. But the two vehicles appear to have dodgy registration credentials with neither ZINARA nor ZIMRA seeming to have any record of their existence.

We sip or drinks while awaiting the long arm of the law to finally catch up with this long time miscreant. Or maybe the cuckolded concubine owner will shoot the fellow love rat.

Last call: Back to school

Kid comes home from first day at school. Mum asks, ‘What did you learn today?’ Kid replies, ‘Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.’ —teachhub.com

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Twitter: @brageesbar, email: [email protected]